Mama Diaries

Four years ago, Remy Louise joined the world and made our family whole.  It was a wonderful day and  it was a terrible day. My body was not a fan of anesthesia, and I had a frightening reaction on the OR table. Not long after Remy was born, her blood sugar crashed and she was rushed to the NICU. I spent the afternoon with hypothermia, nausea, and a good dose of fear about the health of my baby. We both recovered well, and I told myself that seeing my two girls meet each other and instantly fall in love made it all worth it, and quickly tucked all that trauma away into a nice little box and wrapped it with gratitude. 

To see Remy’s face light up this morning when she saw her giant #4 balloon gave me such joy. I’m so proud of the little human she’s becoming and am so grateful to be her momma. AND. My body has a rough memory of this day four years ago, and I have sadness that neither of my girls births’ were easy or beautiful or anything at all like how I had hoped. Pregnancy wasn’t easy for me, deliveries were complicated, and breastfeeding was a challenge. That’s an important part of my motherhood story, too.

I’m sharing because I know that other mamas often feel this. We tuck away the tough parts, and we’re really quite good at it! BUT: We are capable of holding so many emotions at the same time. To feel joy and a little sadness at the same time is not “conflicting” emotions, it’s what makes us beautiful, complicated humans. In fact, this is probably the biggest lesson that parenthood has taught me. Today, in addition to honoring my little sassybutt, I’m also honoring the *AND*.